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I Was Shat On…

korupt3d — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:43:27 +0000

So there was this big college party, about three blocks from my dorm, the largest dorm on campus. It was at one of the local fraternity houses and I was a Freshman trying to experience everything in this crazy new college, party life. My friend Dan had heard about this party so I tagged along, just us two walking to the Delta Sig (not really the name, but I will use this throughout the story to cover up their actual name) party house.

Once we arrived we saw that the party was in the basement, and so began to descend the wooden, outdoor steps which were connected to the wrap-around porch. We were met by one of the brothers marking X’s on hands with a black Sharpie. We received our X’s and continued through the door.

Once inside we headed directly for the bar where, after a relatively short wait, I was handed a can of Bud Light. I trekked across the basement to the dance floor where I started to scout for the hottest girls. as I was walking across the dance floor I passed a random guy dancing with a girl while holding himself up by a pipe in the ceiling rafters. As soon as I was under the pipe, it decided it couldn’t hold his wait any longer. The pipe broke and a murky, brown liquid was splashed on my right shoulder and ran down my arm and the side of my shirt.

My first assumption was, ‘Fuck, I just got splashed by the garbage disposal pipe. And then the smell hit. “IS THIS SHIT?!” Yes. Yes, it was shit ladies and gentleman. I was shit on by a pipe at a fraternity house. The smell of the flowing waste was so rank it cleared the basement in ten seconds flat. Cops can’t break up parties that fast.

So I bet your wondering what I did. Well, I did what every party goer in college would do. I took off my shirt, Dan and I sprinted back to my dorm where I changed and washed up in about three minutes flat, and we ran back out the door, leaving my roommate to continue his laughter as we sprinted back to hit the next party.

The Preakness Party

korupt3d — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 19:53:38 +0000

Held every third Saturday in May at Maryland’s Pimlico Race Course, this is sure to be the best party of your year (unless you try something else on my Places To Go list the same year). Make sure you bring plenty of beer even if you aren’t twenty-one, because when I went security wasn’t checking IDs. They were, however, checking through the coolers for weapons and other such things, so make sure you leave those at home.

Walking to the infield there is a long tunnel you must go through. Be sure to yell some very profane, inappropriate, highly offensive words in the tunnel; everyone does it. Once you are standing on the infield take a look at your watch in order to remember what time you started drinking for bragging rights later. “Yeah, I mean, it’s really not that big of a deal, it was already 9 a.m. when I started drinking, plus it was only a few shots of tequila.”

Don’t feel bad if you forget that there are actually horses at this party, everyone does. Although occasionally you will hear cheers when they run by on the outer ring that has had you wondering what it’s point is. Also, if you are in a fraternity be sure to wear letters or some kind of clothing that represents your organization. I wore my Theta Chi jersey and met about thirty other brothers who I hung out with for the rest of the race.

What to Bring:

Clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty
Some kind of seat (can be the cooler)
Cooler
BEER
Parking Passes
A trained bladder

Liquor (not allowed so sneak it in)
Camera (you will see breasts)
Blow-up Pool
Caution Tape

If you get there early enough you will be able to grab a space, set up a squared off section of caution tape, and maybe a blow-up pool filled with ice and beer in the center. Or, on second thought, fill it with KY and let the girls wrestle it out. Trust me, they’ll do it.

Buy tickets for this year’s Preakness on May 16, 2009.